I feel my depression and anxiety kicking in... I hate this feeling. I feel so out of control and I just want to cry but I really can't. Yeah I will get the welled up eyes and the sinking feeling, but no full out crying recently. I miss Honduras and the people so badly. Mi amor also lives in Honduras, and I miss him greatly and pray for his safety every day. I don't want people to think that I only want to go back for him. Truely, I miss him so much it hurts, but it is so much more than him. It is a strong desire to be there and to serve the church. Right now I feel like no one really understands and if they do, they can't do much to help me. But in reality, the only one who can really help me get to Honduras is Jesus. My Yeshua and personal Savior. He has been helping me with encouraging people. I don't like being discontent with where He has me right now. My heart feels like it's breaking. I am trying to convey my love of Honduras to my family without sounding like I just want to get away from them. Because, that isn't true. Coming back actually really helped me realize how much they mean to me. I love them all so much. I have 5 sisters and 1 brother. I have a loving mother and father who are in love with each other and Jesus. They have brought me up well. They have put faith in God and hard effort in these years, and God has provided for them and rewarded their faith. They couldn't have done it without their heavenly Father, and neither could've I lived this life with this much joy without His help and assurance. Everything good that has and will come out of me is thanks to Him. I sincerely believe that and I love Him so much. It has been really hard for me to keep a strong assurance and faith in Him during this because I am WEAK and downhearted, and sinful. At the same time, it has increased my faith tremendously and I am so much more in love with my Father. I hate being a hypocrite and I really am trying to stay in touch with Him. It hurts and is really humbling when you find out how truly weak you are...how hypocritical and sinful. God is so holy and He has so many precious plans specifically picked out for different individuals. Yet we toss them aside and say No, I can do this better God. How foolish! I have felt so foolish lately and childish. You know why? I am not trusting God fully and am not fully letting go. Trying to rely on my own strength. I could sit back and say everyone does it, which is true for everyone at anytime of their life. But God has so much for me. I feel stuck trying to be perfect and do the right thing well fully knowing I can never be. Well that's my confession/sermon for now... Waiting for God's will and plan. In HIS time, not mine. Time to pray and read some more... Got some encouragement from one of the older college guys today about Honduras. God bless him for being a great mentor. I am truly grateful for his interest in my well being and consider him to be an older brother and role model. He wishes to return to Honduras too and I will be praying for him and God's purpose for him. I am also praying for my sister who is going to Nicaragua in January-May for a missions trip. I am very excited for her. Humanly, I do have some jealousy, but I am trying to counter this through prayer for my jealousy, for her, and by supporting her with my tithe. Right now my mind is a battlefield and I long for peace. But! If this is God's will for me to return to Honduras, and it is not all peace until then, I try my best to be satisfied in the peace that comes from God, and the assurance that in God, all things will be made right one day, and that He has plan and a purpose for me. He planned all my days for me before any of them came to be, before my birth.
Psalm 139:16
New International Version (NIV)
16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
It's such an amazing verse that is so mind-blowing. What a great love He must have to plan the days of every single person in the universe before they were ever born
simply mindblowing
Hallelujah!
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